Hayaku, cleric of Sarenrae, recounts their latest accomplishments furthering the Crusade. (Bring an umbrella!)
27th of Arodus, 4727 AR
My memory is a bit hazy, but the parts I remember are in great detail. (He’s not kidding! -GM)
Ok, so, where should I start? Giant worms, naked bloated people, tieflings? I’ll start from the beginning.
Through the portal of time!
Defenders Heart’s ramshackle walls stood in front of me, since our exhausting mission we have stayed here. It has acted as a safe place, a haven. Although clean, warm, comfortable and exciting as Gram Gram could make it, I still knew that the war isn’t even close to being done, and we had a long way to go…
I walked through a hallway and socialized with the inquisitor a bit, turns out he is injured. I ask what happened and asked if I should heal him. He politely declined and said his injury was a burnt anus, said it felt strangely good and although he couldn’t move he didn’t want heals. I continue down the hallway and spotted Sophia, Ezuri and Rudis talking with the half-orc Tirabade, the light above them made their armor shine with a polished gleam.
I pull a chair up myself and ask “What’s going on? Who wants to destroy the wardstone?” Tirabade looks irritated, seems as if she hates explaining things over again, too bad sucka I think to myself.
“WE have to destroy it,” “Why?huhwhyhuhhuhwhyman”I slur to make her mad.
“BECAUSE THE GODDAMN DEMONS KEEP COMING THROUGH IT AND AREELU VORLESH PLANS TO REVERSE THE F***ING STONE TO DESTROY THE INCOMING CRUSADERS!!” Damn that worked I whisper to Sophia, she smiles and tiara bad? Tiara blade? Is that how you spell it? Whatever, shouts “WHAT DID YOU SAY!” Everyone looks at her and I crack up then everyone does as well.
Eventually she shows us our mongrel partners for the trip, mine contained a big, juicy, pussing, pulsating zit, that apparently healed people? Strange. Rudis‘ apparently can climb on walls and Ezuri rides his like a horse. Before we go my mom gives us a rod of cancellation which will destroy all magical items in an area. Gram Gram went out to some of the several parties drawing forces away from the Gray Garrison, or demon HQ…
We arrive and only Rudis walks out while the rest of us hide in two broken down towers in front of the Garrison. In their dilapidated state their roofs have fallen and there are several holes in the walls of stone brick. Sophia and I, as well as our strange minions, run into the tower on the left. Meanwhile Ezuri’s and Rudis’ minions walk into the tower on the right. Rudis’ boots clack on the pavement, and he is now turned into a tiefling. His arked horns cast long shadows on the ground and soon he was in front of the garrison.
The midday light made the Garrison’s white walls shine brightly in the sun. Cause’ the lighting I could see two naked bloated people standing in the doorway, guarding it. One of them was a bloated Hulrun, the Prelate of the Crusaders of Kenabres! As Rudis came walking up they asked what his business was and he said in a worried voice “The tower……i-i-its g-g-gone, need reinforcements.” He shivered, he’s overacting too much I thought to myself. Sophia mage hands a rock to distract the one he was talking to but makes too much noise, and he blunders over. His huge feet slap on the ground towards the tower…
Clink!… Damn my armor was too loud! Hulrun seems surprised and attacks Sophia. His gleaming sword strikes, leaving a cut on her arm, as blood spills out I cast a sound burst and seems as if I ruptured an organ with my sonic burst, while casting I notice something. His eyes. They seemed glazed over and looked a bit gold… Peculiar… Then it hit me.
He was possessed!
Our minions take out their bows and fire away. The heavy snap of broniesroanieswatermelon’s bow tells me it was a good shot. The arrow whistles through the air and punctures the fat layer. Blood squirts from the fresh wound and he stumbles over.
I glance over my shoulder to see Rudis and Ezuri fighting Bloated Guy #2. Blood erupted from his chest as his intestines got torn out by Ezuri’s already bloodied glaive. I turn my attention back to the battle and see more arrows appear on his chest and a massive glowing fist knock his teeth out. Suddenly his head combusts, (slow mo) a loud snap sounds and several cracks appear on his head, blood squirts from the new wounds and suddenly his head combusts, all pieces off his skull flying in all different directions with pieces of brain following shortly after. Leaving a giant worm that jumped out his head onto the ground, his body convulsed and collapsed on the ground.
The worm lay there,bud-ump, on the ground, bud-ump, still, bud-ump, I walk up, bud-ump, it screeches and bites me, “F*** You know what? at this point I… F****** WORM, GOD F****** DAMN IT, THAT LITTLE BASTARD, I’M GONNA CRAM MY MORNING STAR DOWN ITS F***ING THROAT AND TWIST IT AROUND SO IT COULD SUFFER! S***, THAT HURTS!”
I screamed “MINION FIRE!”I scream even louder. THWANG! “Now, now it’s time, f***ing worm…”
Sophia kills it, “nowss, the time…”
I shove my morning star down its throat “feel it?” I twist and move it around “does that hurt?” I shove it through the other end and blood erupts from its backside, I bring the morning star back the way it came. A few remains left on it: a liver, intestines, and its kidney, with a few gallons of blood. I kick its carcass away, its spine dangling out its mouth, I kick even farther, a look of disgust on my face “s***, that felt good.”
With that over I look over my shoulder to see the headless corpse of Bloated Guy #2 and the dead mutilated corpse of the Worm #2. We reconvene at the tower and I channel healing energy. Now, all cuts and wounds healed, we walk to the door and try again, locked.
Sophia yells at the garrison,”YOU COWARDS, COME AND FIGHT..” Her shout faltered as she saw the Bird of Iomedae …. Ezuri says this is a rare occurrence and that the goddess Iomedae is watching our actions…
All of our attempts fail, then we decide on breaking down the door. The wood splinters and eventually it opens… Tieflings line the walls of the next room and it’s suddenly plunged into darkness. I cast an inflict moderate wounds and reach my hand in twice hitting with the second, I hear a scream inside, I chuckle. I lighten up the place then it’s dark then light, again.
Arrows stream into the room and Rudis and Ezuri fight, fists flying and glaive slicing. Soon it’s over, 9 corpses lie on the ground their guts and blood spread on the floor. Rudis casts augury and says to go left, we find the room where we were tied up earlier. We leave this room having no use to us. Next room, we find an altar and a statue of a knight and an imprint of a sword on the wall. We clean it up and Ezuri prays on the statue, and has a vision he won’t tell us about.
Rudis casts augury again (lol) and says there is somthi’n bad ahead and guess what, two ugly bastards waited for us in the next room… Ugh. I was in back so I missed most fighting, they got killed anyway. Heh suckers.
I heal peoples and we clean the room again, gosh cleaning sucks ass. That’s where we left off people, if you feel like you didn’t get enough credit… Too bad, deal with it, it’s life and life is hard.. 😉
C u in hell! 😉
That’s a joke, *cough* we’re In a demon slaying campaign *cough*
XP so far: